WITH AYOBROWN ADETUNJI
For a very long time now, I have tried to avoid and refrain myself from talking, discussing or attending to this terrible issue that has forcefully become our national ‘daily dose’. Stealing of female pants’….but everywhere I turned, someone must talk about it, discuss, describe it or even receive a stern warning about it. Anyway terrible things happen for different reasons.
In order for me not to be a patron who prided himself on his aesthetic judgement, then, it became a big case…I had no choice but to ride it out until the whole episodes played itself out. It got so bad, up to a stage I had to be rude to some people so as to put an end to it all…’stop bothering me by narrating this good example of a bad examples to me. Please don’t blame me, experience they say put most people in foul mood, it was not my fault. And again today, as if it is a must kind of, oh my goodness, I have to act accordingly.
As I later confirmed, my reasons may not be different from yours; sounding raw and vulgar in its narration may sound offensive to many. Again our law doesn’t believe in ‘Juju’, Oga Force PRO, Nigeria Police self talk am, ‘there is no evidence’. Police no dey investigate divinations or morality except related acts that constitute a criminal…abi i lie?
Many more of these causing many to discard the news with a wave of the hand without giving it any thought.
Funny enough, same boys that refused to sell female pants to make a living are now stealing female pants to make a living, what an irony. Substance abuse fuels crime anyway.
It is easier to cope with a bad conscience than with a bad reputation – It is a known fact, we are all pretenders…most men cheat. But if you ask me, stealing of female pants is totally condemnable. Not just me, but also everyone must speak against it. We should all make it a point of duty to condemn such sinful act and abstaining from such discussions in public will not help.
Back to the incidence…you cannot but imagine this scenario…pleased put yourself in my position and situation…while minding my own early morning life and business. I found myself in a public taxi, a 20 minutes drive, which turned out to be a life time experience.
A fully loaded taxi will accommodate six persons, including the driver, and except for him, I was the only male at the backseat of the car sitting between two ladies while listening to Radio Kwara programme,- ‘Oro Re’ that particular morning. I wish I had not listened, concentrated or even paid any attention at all to that ‘satanic’ headline which almost ‘brought me a story’ – as ‘Oro Re’ depicts. And by age and size, all the occupants were young adults; some were even with their books and laptops, whose ages range within the early 40s and in their late 20s. That means we are all peers and within the range of ‘anything fit happen’, I think you understand what I mean. Although, they were all beautiful to behold but I was not interested in any of them; and Just after the news, a most decisive call came in.
‘Ma je ki won ka Pata e o’, was the message. I was shocked to my bone marrow, as I pretended as if I didn’t understand the meaning, and truly, struggling within myself to mind my own business and pretend as if I heard nothing or nothing happened. She, receiver of the call looked at my face. Oh My Goodness! The lady on my right too moved herself forward to see my reaction…those on the front seat too. The whole passengers, we all heard the stern warning after the receiver repeated the warning while soliloquising to herself …’Ma je ki won ka Pata e o’ again and again in amazement for some seconds. Meaning ‘don’t allow anyone steal your pant or underwear. My inner mind too was in consonance with her tune and followed the lady as I said same within me, I must confess.
Now, i wish you could feel or see how I felt, while all eyes were on me, including those of the driver who might have thought all men are the same. As for me, I know my God forbids such inhuman act in the name of money called Yahoo plus, getting quick rich syndrome maligning and endangering the life of fellow Nigerians and even other humans.
I said ‘thank God I don’t wear pant’ – unknowingly and unconsciously too. But instantaneously, as if am the devil from the pit of hell. They took turn to appraise me. Kai, see me an unfortunate male among them; victim of circumstance – then hell of the red rage was turned on, and in it full blast, to no one else but me. As if I was a thief caught with their pants or any of their underwears; from all sides and even the other two ladies at the front seat, they all took me, the innocent soul, to the cleaners. I, the representative of you the ‘evil men’ – they hurled all manners of insults, abuses and even curses on me or not on me oo, but on beasts like one Ojonugwa Adejoh arrested in Ondo state for stealing pants belonging to his brothers’ wife for rituals. His Prophet, Olajide Ogunleye and so called men of evil deeds that pretend and are mistakenly called men of God.
Even the eloquence of Socrates was unable save my situation in the hands of these fierce speaking and angry looking ladies because of their pants.
Truly, it was while checking if I was still intact (you know Baba downstairs) on hearing the intensity of the warning, ‘check yourself’ message I obeyed just after the flash on my brain. But because sex in Africa is classified as topmost secret among two consenting adults only and not a public story, everyone must mind him or herself and maintain decorum in the open, except behind closed doors.
‘Oh! why me now’ was the only available words in my brain, I was deserted even by myself, because I was dumbfounded.
While one of them was daring enough to point to my downstairs, reassuring herself, that she is sure, that men like me do not wear pants, but asking me ‘why do ‘you’ men’ steal women pant, as if I was a culprit.
Why do men steal pants should rather become a national discourse before it is too late. And really don’t ask me again if I do. I joined many others to condemn pants stealing, irrespective of sex.
She even told me that a huge penis with a 2-hour erection is not always a gift of nature, but as a result of hard work, that men should always be appreciative of women.
The grandfather clock called dangling scrotum clock (ago elepon) makes it uncomfortable wearing pants. Most men today don’t wear any pant, their reasons; they are of the opinion that it will give way for free flow of air on the Baba Isale. Some even say not wearing pants allow for quick action, and many more.
That was how I had the opportunity of knowing more than necessary. All what female folks are nursing against us ‘men’ because a few of few us have lost their minds…. all what I’ve been avoiding came to me in less than 20 minutes of the journey I noted as the journey of a lifetime.
It was a mother’s warning to her daughter to be careful about her pants while away in school…was the message that started it all. And till I disembarked, they were all bent on seeing the end of all men; in fact, I had to make an emergency stop before getting to my destination.
Men, please, stop stealing female pants. Our singers and pop stars should rather redefine themselves and their music to condemn such acts. It’s not enough for the like of Victor Ad denying in his new freestyle – I Didn’t Cause The Increase of Pants Stealing. More is expected of us the youths if this ugly trend must be tamed if not totally eradicated.
Victor Ad has being accused of making Nigerian boys go ritual by increasing pants stealing with his popular song “wetin we gain”, which he had denied been responsible for the increase. With Davido recently coming out with a new song in a freestyle mode, thought he denied the report. But many said the increase in pants stealing, wetin, na in cause am. Many Nigerians still hold the belief that the likes of Victor are the root cause of increase in money rituals. Though, another popular popstar, Harrysong, who also shared his view tagged as ‘crazy’, but he too is an accused.
The terrible trend of stories about people stealing women panties for rituals is more than too much for my own consumption, and I guess for you too.
For those who know, except when it is my turn for laundry at home, I really don’t like touching female pants.
All effort to rearrange my words or deny the accusation proved futile as they rained all manners of abuses on me.
And with my first statement of fact, it was very difficult to claim ignorance that I never understood the message of what they accused me of. Good things sometimes come from bad situations, I learnt the meaning in different Nigerian languages from these ladies.
They even threatened that very soon women too may turn against their male counterparts…’a reversal kind of’, but whichever…God forbids such in our country. Stop stealing female pants o!
Don’t allow anyone to steal your underwear
Ekwela ka onye ọ bụla zuo uwe gị
Kada ka bari kowa ya sata tufafinki
Ma je ki won ka Pata e o!
Ne permets à personne de voler tes sous-vêtements
No allow them thief your pant o!
*Ayobrown, Senior System Analyst, National Pilot Newspaper, writes via firstname.lastname@example.org